Remember Who You Are

Nate and I have the privilege to be involved in an organization called PLI (Pastoral Leadership Institute). It's a four year program that trains pastors and their wives in leadership, specifically missional leadership. We attend a yearly week long conference, retreats that are for the women only or the men only, and the guys get to visit "mentor" churches to see how other churches do ministry. Our Class of 2009 is broken down into small groups called collegial groups and we will spend the next three years learning and growing with these other couples in ministry.

Last April was our first conference, and our group fell in love with each other right away. We are all from different backgrounds and ministries and places, but I haven't laughed so hard or shared and grown so much with a group of people in while. I guess it's because we all have the pastor's family thing going on and it's nice to connect with people who are in your same boat.

Last weekend, I went to Dallas to attend our class of 2009 women's retreat. I came home a much different person. And I wasn't expecting that. I really expected to die on the way out there . . . I flew out on a very snowy and icy day and had to fly my first leg on a prop plane. Yep, that's right, an airplane with propellers. I made it, but not without an almost anxiety attack as we walked OUTSIDE to board the tiny plane.

It's not that I wasn't looking forward to this trip, I just didn't know what to expect, and now that I look back on it, I was too wrapped up in myself and my hurt to give much thought to it.

The theme of the weekend was Value and was based on Luke 13: 10-17. That's the story about a woman who has had been "bent over" for 18 years. Jesus sees her, calls her forward, heals her, and gives her value and worth. We studied the passage for understanding, but then our leaders started to ask the hard questions like, "Are you a bent over woman (burden-carrier), or a burden-loader, or a burden-lifter?"And while I know I've been all three at some point or another, I have felt like a bent over woman for a while in a particular area and in the past few weeks, it's kind of consumed me.

And I was called out. I had been trying to deal with this huge hurt by myself and when we were asked these questions I realized that I had never even asked God to help me. I left this huge gaping hole open and was vulnerable for Satan to sneak in and take over. How could I let that happen?

Over the next 24 hours I processed the story of the bent over woman. God truly saw her pain, healed her, and gave her worth. And I knew that could happen for me. I needed to talk about it, which I hadn't done, and I needed to hear that I was loved and worthy and "seen" by God. I had to tell Satan to get behind me because there was no room in that hole I created because God had filled it in the short time I was in Dallas. I needed to hear our last devotion about identity. Rachel kept saying it over and over: Remember who you are. Remember who you are. You are a daughter of Abraham, you are seen, and you are loved.

How could I have forgotten that?

So my weekend at PLI was a really, really good one and I look forward to three more years of learning, growing, and remembering who I am.