Nate has a vicar this year. I know that stuns some of you because he hasn't been out of seminary long himself, but the seminary approved his request and we are so thankful that they did. Chris and Cheryl have been wonderful and we will surely miss them when they are gone!
Nate had some really great mentors who have helped shape him into the pastor he is today. Namely, his father, Pastor Al, and Pastor Mike. But with a vicar, Nate has found himself in the position of being a mentor himself. And so have I.
It is actually pretty funny to me that I could be a mentor to our vicar's wife, because I've only been a pastor's wife for about 3 years now. What do I have to offer? What credibility do I have to back me up? Our vicar's wife is actually older than me, and that makes me feel even more uncomfortable!
So all of this has made me think about the role of pastor's wives. I have no idea who reads this blog, but I know that some of you are pastor's wives. Whether you fit into that category or not, your feedback on this post would be just as helpful. It would be fun to hear from all kinds of people on this subject.
What do you think about the following topics?
Should pastor's wives have friends in the church or is it not a smart idea to get too close to anyone?
Is it important for pastor's wives to be visible at church services and other activities?
Should pastor's wives always look nice or have a clean house just in case someone from the church comes over?
How should pastor's wives handle people who talk negatively about their husbands?
Because we are married to pastors, we sometimes have privileged information that other people will do anything to get out of us. What is the best way to handle this?
Should pastor's wives feel the stress to have well-behaved children?
How do pastor's wives handle the fact that their husbands have extremely busy schedules?
Discuss! (Hopefully)
10 comments:
Should pastor's wives have friends in the church or is it not a smart idea to get too close to anyone?
I have a hard time with this, i want to say that YES you should get close for the sake of being an example of community, I think thats how it SHOULD be. But I have gotten close to some and sometimes there is some wierdness, either in the other persons expectation or perspective on who I am, or uneasiness on my part that I have crossed some line that wasn't meant to be crossed. I can say that I do continually focus on being "me", as much as possible. And I have two close friends that belong to our church that I feel like I can be "me" all the time with.
Is it important for pastor's wives to be visible at church services and other activities?
Yes. Why would anyone make the effort to go, if the pastors family won't?
Should pastor's wives always look nice or have a clean house just in case someone from the church comes over?
hell no. (seriously.)
How should pastor's wives handle people who talk negatively about their husbands?
ignore it. give them dirty looks in church. (kidding!)
Because we are married to pastors, we sometimes have privileged information that other people will do anything to get out of us. What is the best way to handle this?
i just make a point not to talk about people, period. (Which, if you know me, is an astonishing act of self control). But when I am talking to church people, I always try to focus on them.
Should pastor's wives feel the stress to have well-behaved children?
Yes, but not for the purpose of impressing people or acting like you have it all together, but for trying to teach your children to be respectful of people around them.
How do pastor's wives handle the fact that their husbands have extremely busy schedules?
Everyone's husbands that I know have busy schedules, not just mine.
Discuss! (Hopefully)
I'm not a pastor's wife, but growing up as a PK I have seen the "fishbowl" side of life. I also recognize some of the situations you described as things my mom or my former pastor's wife dealt with.
Should pastor's wives have friends in the church or is it not a smart idea to get too close to anyone?
The last church my dad was pastor at was the first church that my mom really and truly had a good friend in the church and I was really happy for her that she had this opportunity. Yet even though she had this friend, it still made for an awkward situation when another member and friend had a pastoral situation come up. I know this is really vague and doesn't answer the question, but I think it is possible to be friends. My former pastor's wife was a bridesmaid in my wedding, my answer is yes to close friends - just be careful :)
Is it important for pastor's wives to be visible at church services and other activities?
To an extent yes. I think it is important, but it shouldn't be an absolute. As kids, we attended church services on Wednesday, even if they conflicted with school or sporting events.
Should pastor's wives always look nice or have a clean house just in case someone from the church comes over?
My answer to this is an emphatic no! Especially if you have children :) I think there is always going to be pressure we put on ourselves to have a clean house, but I don't think this is an important factor.
How should pastor's wives handle people who talk negatively about their husbands?
I think sometimes people forget that they are talking to the pastor's wife. I guess in these situations it is important to handle the situation in the best Christian manner - this is a good time to be a Christian witness as the pastor's wife. That being said, I like Jocelyn's comment to give them dirty looks in church :)
Because we are married to pastors, we sometimes have privileged information that other people will do anything to get out of us. What is the best way to handle this?
I know that sometimes my mom has overheard conversations that my dad has had on the phone or wherever and she purposefully does not ask him about it because then she can honestly say she doesn't know anything about it. For the information that you do have I think that steering the conversation another direction is good or if asked point blank, just resonding that you don't feel comfortable discussing it.
Should pastor's wives feel the stress to have well-behaved children?
I do think that the stress on pastor's wives is unfairly more than on parishioners. I don't think that pastor's wives should add more stress to themselves regarding this issue, but rather focusing on raising children according to God's will to the best of their ability like they are already doing.
How do pastor's wives handle the fact that their husbands have extremely busy schedules?
As the wife of a basketball coach, my life revolves around the fall conditioning, the regular season, spring conditioning, summer ball, fall . . . I often get tired of being a "single parent" I have to guard myself against becoming resentful in the particulary stressful times when he is gone all day until 10-11 at night for 4 nights a week! Sometimes we schedule lunch dates where I take the kids to see him at school for a picnic lunch or after naps and before games if he is unable to come home I take them up to see him at school. JP especially is always happier after he has gotten a little daddy fix and I am grateful for the help. I also have a good support system of friends who have busy husbands too and we try to schedule things on the particularly busy days.
I hope that since I didn't overstep since I'm not a pastor's wife, but just wanted to say that it is a tough job and you all deserve so much credit for doing it!!!!!! Pam
Not a pastor's wife but...
I think you have to have friends. You may have to be guarded in your discussions regarding your church, but we all have to be guarded on private matters. This should be freeing for you to talk about things other than things you talk to Nate about when he comes home from work. It will expand your horizons.
On a selfish note, I think you should not get too close to anyone else. :)
I think you should be visible at church and at activities but within limits. You will also be setting an example when you put your children before certain activities.
I think that on occasion, you should come to church in your sweatpants. Not good ones, the ones with holes. And let your hair color go. A dark stripe down the middle says a lot.
I think you should ignore negative comments. I know that has to be hard, but I think people who talk that way are trying to stir trouble.
If someone is trying to get info from you, I think you should tell them that you would be breaking your husbands trust by sharing. You should also be honest and let people know that anything said to Nate in confidence, stays with him. I think that people automatically assume that anything said to the pastor is shared with the wife. That wouldn't be right.
Well behaved-schmell behaved! I think that you have to set an example by not giving them cigarettes and keeping them off the highway. You probably shouldn't teach them to cuss either.
On the subject of husbands, it's 5:15 in Texas right now. My husband was going to leave work at 1:30 today. He just called to tell me he's on the bus. That'll put him home in an hour. I think it's hard for all wives to share their husband with work. Especially when that work involves being with other people.
I love you and have a gigantic amount of respect for the life that you and Nate have chosen to live. You are following God's will in a way that is very much like living in a fishbowl. I stress about my part time church work so I can't imagine being "The Big Cheese".
"I think that you have to set an example by not giving them cigarettes and keeping them off the highway. You probably shouldn't teach them to cuss either"
I love this. That is so funny. I wish i could change my answer and respond with this instead. :)
what about you, laura?
So, I have started to type my answers a few times this week and then gotten interrupted and never found time to finish. So here it is. It's 6am and I'm the only one awake, so no little redheads can interrupt me.
Should pastor's wives have friends in the church or is it not a smart idea to get too close to anyone?
Yes, pastor's wives should absolutely have friends. I cannot imagine not having any friends here, especially since we knew no one when we moved here. I have a few close friends here that I would be lost without and who function as our family, but I always know that I am the pastor's wife. That never goes away. I have to be careful what I say, exercise extreme self-control (I'm with you Jocelyn) in the gossip department, and always make sure that I put the support of Nate's ministry first--meaning I can't do or say anything that would get in the way of his ministry. But I firmly believe that friendships are #1 necessary for sanity and #2 that God wants us to be in relationships with other women.
Is it important for pastor's wives to be visible at church services and other activities?
Absolutely yes! Nate is called the called pastor in our church, but we are a team. I support him in our home and with our kids--which is vitally important, but it's also important for other people to see that going to events at church and serving in various ways is a part of my life. I am huge on service (according to one's gifts) in the church and think it's important for people to see that example in both me and Nate. Being visible in the church is also a way to build relationships that can only help in supporting Nate. Now---I am not saying that every pastor's wife needs to lead the choir, the women's retreat, teach Bible study, and be the church secretary. That would actually be unhealthy, visibility is important!
Should pastor's wives always look nice or have a clean house just in case someone from the church comes over?
No--I like the nasty sweatpants idea from Tamara! I really have no problem going to the grocery store with no makeup on and having a messy house sometimes. I like a picked up house, but come one--how realistic is that with two kids? If I have the dishes done after every meal, clean underwear for us all, and food for our family, I think I'm doing pretty well for the day.
How should pastor's wives handle people who talk negatively about their husbands?
This is really hard for me. At first, I would get angry and just secretly seethe at those people behind the smile on my face, but then I started praying for them. That anger was lessened and I didn't think about it as often.
Because we are married to pastors, we sometimes have privileged information that other people will do anything to get out of us. What is the best way to handle this?
Lie. No really--what else are you supposed to do? When people know you have juicy information and try to get it out of you, what are you to do? I either pretend to not know, which is a nice way of saying that I lie, or nicely say that because I am Nate's wife, I don't get to talk about everything I know.
Should pastor's wives feel the stress to have well-behaved children?
I want my kids to be well-behaved because it is God pleasing to have respectful kids, not because I am the pastor's wife. I don't stress too much about this. We teach our kids manners and respect for others, but in the past month, I think everyone in the church has turned around and looked at me every Sunday. One Sunday, Abby went up to the children's message (which she is now banned from) and sang "Alleluia" really loudly before I physically removed her. Yesterday, Abby yelled "Yay" after every song and will often say "Hi Daddy" loudly when everyone else is super quiet. That's not bad behavior though. That's a two year old who loves music and her daddy:)
How do pastor's wives handle the fact that their husbands have extremely busy schedules?
We were blessed to learn time management for pastor's on vicarage and Nate has carried that over to his own church and requires it of his staff now. He keeps track of the hours he puts in each week and if it goes over a certain amount, he will take time off when appropriate. He also scheduled time at home on his calendar. I know that sounds crazy, but he actually puts "home with the girls" on his work calendar so he doesn't schedule anything. Although at one point when Nate wasn't so good at this, I did threaten to be very, very crabby for the rest of our marriage if he wasn't home more:) In all seriousness, it is unhealthy for pastors to ignore their family for the sake of the church. People look to our families as examples, even if we don't want them too.
I actually posted this because I am secretly considering writing some articles or a book on this subject. I have no credibility though, since I am only three years into this pastor's wife thing. So, I would have to get lots of opinions from others to back up my lack of credibility. The subject intrigues me and I certainly could have used some advice when I first started. It was fun to test the waters! Thank you for responding!
Should pastor's wives have friends in the church or is it not a smart idea to get too close to anyone?
well...it's tough...friends are so important for us to survive...but i think that you have to be careful and it takes a long time before you know if you can be your complete self around them. sometimes that never happens. i am grateful for my pastor's wives friends who are around the u.s. and i talk with those friends to stay sane. i am also quite lucky to have a school attatched to our church so there are a bunch of church workers who understand the whole glass house thing and allow me to be myself sometimes.
Is it important for pastor's wives to be visible at church services and other activities?
i think so...jocelyn nailed it
Should pastor's wives always look nice or have a clean house just in case someone from the church comes over?
again jocelyn...you nailed it
How should pastor's wives handle people who talk negatively about their husbands?
ooooo...that's a tough one...i don't really know...right now i am dealing with a nasty one and it's kind of hard to get over...but of course i am not mean to them. i tend to avoid those people.
Because we are married to pastors, we sometimes have privileged information that other people will do anything to get out of us. What is the best way to handle this?
i do what laura does...play dumb and that i have no idea what they are talking about.
Should pastor's wives feel the stress to have well-behaved children?
well to a certain extent just like ALL parents should...(i love tamara's comments) i wish people wouldn't be so darn judgmental about how our children act...they have a little sin in them too, and they are kids, they are still learning!
How do pastor's wives handle the fact that their husbands have extremely busy schedules?
hmmm...i get mad at him...okay not really, but sometimes i do. only when he is not protecting our time at all and people are taking advantage of him...but it comes with the territory i guess.
So, I want to talk more about this....any lurkers that want to join in the conversation, or Laura what is your reaction to the comments made thus far? Apparently, I have been in need of this conversation!!!
:)
Laura....I love this. I have come back to this blog 4-5 times the past few days and I am going to tweak my answers a bit and apply them to being the mom of 3 boys with a husband that has been a church worker for 13 years now.
1. Should pastor's wives have friends in the church or is it not a smart idea to get too close to anyone? I have found out recently the "hard way" that I have to be guarded at all times when I have "friends" that may in anyway be associated with the Lutheran High School Association. I do have 2 close friends that know first hand that anything I say to them must at all times stay between us.
2. Is it important for pastor's wives to be visible at church services and other activities?
When the boys & I do not show up at things I get phone calls, emails, and have even had parents drive to our house to make sure I have not been duct taped to a wall or something by the boys. ( I have been to 107 football games..only missed one due to the birth of Andy) So at all costs I think it is very important to be supportive in all areas of Dons ministry.
3.Should pastor's wives always look nice or have a clean house just in case someone from the church comes over?
NO! If you don't like how my house looks when I have 3 boys living with me, then don't come over.
4. How should pastor's wives handle people who talk negatively about their husbands?
I have a perfect example of this. The line "Out of the Mouths of Babes" is so awesome! The boys and I are sitting in the stands at a state playoff game. A parent starts calling my husband every name in the book, shouting how he should pack his bags, go back to Gods Counrty in the sticks of Nebraska...this went on and on for the 1st half of the football game. I sit quietly not wanting to cause a scene all the while feeling like I could break into to tears. Andy....our oldest...turns around at the start of half time and says, "Why are you talking about my Daddy like that? I love him very much and I think Jesus is not very happy with you right now." Andy then sits down and continues slurping down his juice box and the rest of the stands breaks into applause. The rude parent packed up his things and left. I think all of the rudeness spoken about a Pastor or churchworker will all even out in the end. YEAH ANDY!!
Because we are married to pastors, we sometimes have privileged information that other people will do anything to get out of us. What is the best way to handle this?
I am asked all the time about the inside scoop of the LHSA...and always reply "Call the office if you would like to know".
Should pastor's wives feel the stress to have well-behaved children? No..have you met my boys? I have an entire school body to help me with them. Sometimes it means a lot more for a random parent to make a comment directly to one of the boys rather than me.
How do pastor's wives handle the fact that their husbands have extremely busy schedules?
We are a team...where he goes we all go if we want to see "Our Dad" and we have designated Sundays as FAMILY DAY(which means we only do things with family)...we now go to church on Satuday nights so that we can have a solid day together.
Thank you for this blog!!! I often have felt as though the boys and I live in a fishbowl and it is nice to know there are people who actually write about this stuff. BRAVO!!!
MichiganMom (Amy)--Thank you for your comments! You are right that church workers fall into this same category as pastor's wives and it's good that you reminded me of that.
I had to laugh as I read your post because Nate and I remember our LHSA, short as they were, fondly. I vividly remember your boys at every game and in the halls of the school all the time. That was such a good example to us. I remember you telling me once that if you didn't bring your kids to school, they might never see your husband!
And as a side note--who could forget that night when our husbands tiptoed past the meeting that they were supposed to be in because they spent the day with Tuomi at a "coach's meeting." :)
Thanks for your post, Amy!
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